It’s that time of year again. And in the words of Mr Garrison Merry Fucking Christmas.
It truly is the season and all that shit. If you can’t guess I pretty much dislike Xmas I see it as a shrill pointless exercise in capitalism. You can’t deny that the forces of mass commerce have ambushed this secular holiday and caused it to become nothing more than a quest to spend as much as you can, in as short an amount of time as possible. The fact that Facebook lights up with comments about seeing the Coke advert for the first time truly meaning its Christmas proves my point well fuck this holiday and all it’s bullshit. Personally I prefer Halloween; there are no religious connotations, and no obligation to buy people things that they never really wanted. Halloween is a positive force it brings people together to celebrate and generally have a good time, Christmas is just a time for arguments and unhappiness; you force families that have gone most of the year without seeing each other to spend lots of time together, and then you add sweet lady liquor to the equation; you know shits gonna happen. I have an ex-Girlfriend who’s uncle kindly fractured her collar bone and punched her in the mouth breaking two teeth one Christmas day so yes fuck this holiday, but more importantly fuck him, fuck him with a barbed wire dildo.
About the only good thing to come from Christmas are Christmas Movies. We’ve all got our favourite personally I love National Lampoons Christmas Vacation (1989) and of course Elf (2003). A film that has confirmed my personal convictions, having watched it years a go I couldn’t help but say goddamn Jovie’s hot every time she came on screen, only finding out a few months a go that, that was Zooey Deshanel, proving that I have always loved her even before i knew who she was. Having said that I still think New Girl is shit.
But I’m not interested in those traditional family style Christmas Movies, what I’m here for is to tell you about the darker choices that are available to you this holiday season. This list is inspired by my first English teacher from High school Mr Spahr who took it upon himself to show his class the first episode of the tales from the crypt TV series called ‘And all through the house’ (1989). If you’ve seen the Tales from the crypt (1972) film you’ll already be aware of what this episode is about as it is a part of that portmanteau movie. For those of you not in the know it’s about a woman who bumps off her husband on Christmas Eve just as a maniac dressed in a Santa suit escapes from a mental asylum. You can guess the rest. They say the things that happen to you as a child influence you in later life. Well I enjoyed this episode so much that I have over the years tried to hunt down as many non family Xmas movie’s as I can. So here they are, in no real order:
Santa’s Slay (2005)
So it turns out Santa is actually a demon, a demon who foolishly lost a bet with an angel that means he has to be good for 1000 years. Problem is those 1000 years are over and Santa’s out for revenge, so he sets out on a festive themed killing spree. This is a B-movie extravaganza and I’m surprised it got made in this day and age I thought we left these Christmas themed slasher films behind in the eighties. Not that I’m complaining because where else could you say you saw Goldberg (yes the wrestler) dressed as Santa; going on a killing spree. It’s dumb, and it’s stupid but it’s also a lot more fun than the overly twee sentimental sacks of excrement that get passed off as traditional Christmas movie fare.
Silent night Deadly Night (1984)
This is pretty much the bleakest film on the list; it really is a nihilists dream Christmas movie. The main character as a child witnesses his parents killed by a man in a Santa suit. Then years later is forced to play Santa by his douche bag boss. This sends him off the deep end and he goes on a Santa suited killing spree. I actually love this film. I think it’s probably my favourite Christmas movie on this list outside of Die hard (1988). It’s true it is just a Christmas themed slasher movie, but there’s a slightly deranged fevered feeling to the proceedings that makes it something special.
Also it offers us another chance to see Linnea Quigleys Ta-ta’s which; is always a pleasure.
Black Christmas (1975)
The original Black Christmas because yes it got a pointless remake is pretty boring; not much happens, bar you get to hear Margot Kidder; the future Lois lane say the word Fellatio.
Once again it’s a simple slasher film albeit a fairly tame one. A killer hides inside a sorority house just before Christmas and between threatening phone calls to the resident’s kills one or two of the girls. To be honest I only mention Black Christmas because it’s the earliest Christmas slasher I could find; that and the fact that I had the misfortune of watching it. Overrated and a little boring I’d miss this one if I was you.
Black Christmas (2006)
I’m sorry but this films fucking shit, and seriously disappointing, disappointing because the trailer for it is amazingly well realised. You can find it on Youtube; go on and watch it. It’s a gaudy nightmarish vision of Christmas, it presents us with a world dominated by cheap plastic decorations, lit by red and green fairly lights, and in my opinion is nothing short of a conceptual visual masterpiece. But when you get to the film it’s nothing more than a soulless modern slasher film about a disfigured maniac who returns to his old house one Christmas. Finding it has now been turned into a sorority house, he crawls in the wall spaces and kills off the remarkably unlikable girls living there. Seriously leave this and the original version alone; the name black Christmas translates into shit Christmas based slasher film.
Jack Frost (1996)
No not the one with Michael Keaton playing a dead man who possesses his son’s snowman, this is another Dumb B-Movie. This time about a serial killer called Jack Frost who gets melted by molecular acid and bonds with snow, turning him into a giant killer snowman; it’s almost as if his parents knew this would happen to him when they named him.
This film like Santa’s Slay is huge fun it doesn’t take itself seriously and just let’s itself go with the stupid premise. There’s a fair amount of poorly realised gore and lots of bad acting present, but its well worth seeing if you’re looking for a good laugh, and unusually you won’t always be laughing at the film you’ll be laughing along with it. Also of added note you get to see Shannon Elizabeth’s original nose and a bit of; from the back nudity as she is smothered by an avalanche in the shower; if you want to see her naked just Google her playboy pics, they’re out there.
Die Hard 1 & 2 (1988, 1990)
Yep these are Christmas movies. I’m guessing I don’t need to explain to you what these are about but just in case I can sum these as easily as this, Bruce Willis killing terrorists at Christmas. More one liners than you can shake a Yule log at and lots of blood……Simply Beautiful.
Bad Santa (2006)
A Christmas movie where the word Fuck is said 159 times, shit 73 times and altogether there are 300 profanities uttered. For added effect Bad Santa also includes a girl bouncing up and down on Billy Bob Thorton’s cock saying Fuck me Santa over and over again. God damn I love this film, it’s just too funny.
Bad Santa is about two con men who work as store Santa’s so they can case shops before they rob them blind. Billy Bob Thorton is at his misanthropic best, as he curses and drinks his way through the film.
However beneath its misanthropic exterior there is quite a beautiful but never twee story, about the redeeming effects the innocence of youth has on the sour callow character Thorton plays. Bad Santa is a good film; full of laugh out loud moments, if you have enough darkness in you to appreciate it.
Ok so those are the ones I’ve seen but my quest continues as two more potential Xmas master pieces have come to my attention
The reasonably new Saint (2011) which sounds like Santa Slay’s but using St Nicolas instead of the Coca Cola Mascot Santa and another Eighties slasher; Christmas Evil (1980). If I get to watch them in time I shall post short reviews for them so watch this space and enjoy your Christmas break as best as you can.